Trusting the government is like trusting an abusive partner.
We want so badly to believe that they care but deep in our soul we know the truth.
We cannot “obedience” our way out of an abusive relationship. It must be seen for what it is. And left behind.
This is the real task + this takes effort because it means doing the internal work that allows us to say no. And mean it.
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
This is part 2 of a 2 part series
On covert abuse
In this blog, I will cover
The 5 essential pieces
To any lasting program of recovery
So that you not only heal
From your past/current relationship
But go deep enough into your healing
That you effectively rewire your brain
And never find yourself in a situation like this again
TIME
Perhaps the most important thing
You will need to accept about this process
Of recovery from covert narcissistic abuse
Is that it will take time
I wish I could tell you
That there are shortcuts
But truly, the steps outlined here
Are the only shortcuts I know of
After 17 years in the field
Of mental health
As well as my own personal
Experiences with this kind of abuse
The work really IS the only shortcut
ROMANCE
I would highly recommend you not
Get involved with anyone romantically
For a minimum of a year
After ENDING any sort
Of abusive relationship
Abuse of any kind
But especially the covert tactics
Of this type of narcissistic person
Will literally leave your world
And your sense of Self
In fragments
It is all too easy to displace and project our pain
And our past trauma onto another person
That’s true for ANY kind of pain or trauma,
Even ‘normal’ heartbreak’
But the difference for someone
Who has experienced this kind of abuse
Is the degree of fragmentation you will be in
Those of you who know what I’m talking about
Will feel the truth of these words
No further explanation needed
TRUST
I’m going to say something
Which may seem harsh
Even ‘unrealistic’
But if you have anyone in your circle
Who doesn’t believe what you’ve been through
Or tries to insinuate that the abuse was your fault in any way
Please do yourself a favor and STOP engaging with them
At least regarding anything personal
It’s psychologically dangerous territory
When we are in a world of pain
And someone looks at us
— at our pain —
And tries to tell us that
It’s not that bad
Don’t waste your time trying to make
Anyone “get it” either
Because that energy could be
Much better spend elsewhere
On your healing journey
And if friends and family ask what’s up with you
Or try to get you to hang out but you really don’t want to
Believe me when I tell you that you have no obligation to anyone
— unless you have children of course
But when it comes to adult family members and friends
You don’t owe anyone anything
And the fact that you may feel like you do
Is just part of a no-longer-useful program
Of guilt and shame still running in your belief system
And in your energetic field
You can simply let them know that
You’re dealing with some things right now
Or that you’re busy with a project
— after all, self-healing is a project —
That you appreciate their love and concern
And will reach out to them when you’re ready
But make no promises on when that will be
Because that will just end up being another source of stress
And that’s the last thing you need while on your healing journey
In fact, the idea is to let go of anything and everything
That you can afford to let go of — I realize it may not be
possible to let go of your job for example, even if it’s stressful —
But other voluntary relationships that bring you stress
Can be left alone, at least for the time being
CONNECTION
This might have you wondering
If you will be all alone in your healing journey
And of course the answer is no
We ALL need at least one or two people
In our lives who offer us a sense of connection and support
But you want to start thinking outside the box
About what that might look like
For example, joining an online group
Or finding literature
That really resonates with you
Research the importance of “inner child work”
If you’re not already familiar with the topic
And of course finding a therapist that you
Can work with 1:1 is probably the best thing you can do
To accelerate your healing process
If that’s financially not an option right now
There are lots of online programs available these days
That actually allow you to chat with a licensed therapist
Most of these are via messaging only
Which is the reason for the reduced cost
A few notes on the above options:
If you do join an online support group
Please pay extra careful attention
To how the dialogue
And the overall
Level of conversation and energy
In the group make you feel
Also be sure that the group has
Someone actively monitoring its members
Reason being that sometimes support groups
— especially when left totally unattended
Can end up re-traumatizing people
There will almost always be
At least some members who are highly identified
With their abuse and are stuck
In a loop of victimization, with no real conscious desire
To get out
These are not the people you want to be around
Of course we need to talk about our experiences
But there’s a helpful and unhelpful way to do this
Again, if you find yourself feeling worse in the hours
Or days following a support group session
That might be a clue that it’s not
The right place for you
If you decide to invest in 1:1 therapy
Don’t be afraid to ask your therapist questions
Don’t be afraid to shop around for someone
Who feels right to you
Ask if they offer a free consultation
Ask what their experience has been
Helping people work through the experience
Of covert narcissistic abuse
Pay attention to how you feel as they’re talking
The only sensation you should have
Is one of comfort, ease, and relief
If you feel anything else
Please keep looking
There are definitely good therapists out there
Who can really help you
So don’t be afraid to look until you find one
Sidenote: I know all this can feel like a lot
Remember that none of this needs to happen overnight
These are just pieces of a longer-term plan
But the sooner you decide that you’re willing to take them
The sooner you will begin to feel like progress is possible
GROUND
The importance of this
Cannot be overstated
Look up “breathing techniques for calming
the mind”
Find a meditation app that you like
And give yourself the gift of time
To just be, to take walks alone,
To scream, to cry
To do whatever it takes
To allow the emotions to move through you
Because that’s what they need to do
There is no recovery without FEELING
The pain of what we have endured
It’s not pleasant, but it’s necessary
And if anyone tells you that you
Can bypass this process
They are either lying to you
Or have never been there
So have no idea what they’re talking about
And that’s ok
As long as you make sure
That’s not who you’re listening to
JOURNAL
And by journal
I simply mean
Be willing to write down
How you’re feeling
Be willing to write down
Memories as they come up
Be willing to write
When you feel angry
When you feel sad
And even when you feel hopeless
These are all within
The normal range of emotions
And the more you ALLOW them
To surface and pass through you
The more they will begin to dissolve out
And, over time, the lighter you will begin to feel
Lastly, when it comes to trauma
One of the best kept secrets is that
Our Bodies know EXACTLY how to heal
Our Bodies are highly intricate
Systems of infinite intelligence
Society has taught us not to trust our bodies
But through daily meditation, time alone
Silence, stretching and allowing ourselves
To be the emotional beings we are
We can learn to trust
Our Bodies once more
Or maybe for the first time ever
Healing isn’t an easy process
But there isn’t anything more worth doing
Know that you are
Fully capable
Fully ready
And fully deserving
Of the same
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
The covert narcissist
Won’t be as easy to spot
As their more extraverted
Counterparts
But the damage they do
Will be all the same
How To Know If You’re Dealing With This Kind Of Person
First off, it’s important
To keep in mind
That the covert narcissist
Is fundamentally the same
As the more flamboyant “obvious”
Type of narcissist
Especially in the following 2 ways:
They fundamentally lack
A healthy sense of Self
AKA they have a highly
Vulnerable inner world
Their primary motivation in relationship
Is about what they can “get”
From the other person
Instead of what they contribute
Whether they’re aware
Of this dynamic or not
Sign #1 A Subtle (Or Not-So-Subtle) Smugness
An extraverted narcissist
Will more than likely
Be openly self-congratulatory
And speak highly of him or herself
A covert type, on the other hand
Is more likely
To be self-deprecating
Or to put themselves down
With the expectation that others
— and this is KEY —
Will come to their “rescue”
Or praise them
And tell them how great they are
Essentially you can look at this
As a false sense of humility
Sign #2 Self-Absorption And A Lack Of True Empathy
Narcissists in general
Are not able to validate
The concerns of others
But with a covert narcissist
This will be harder to spot
Because they won’t necessarily
Be rude, overtly abuse, or even obviously
Dismissive
However, they will have
A high tendency
To be more quiet, withdrawn
And generally keep to themselves
Consequently, if you are in a close
Relationship with this type of person
You will often feel alone, unworthy
And unimportant to them
While that will not be the case
With other people in your life
Sign #3 Immature And Inadequate Responses
All narcissistic people
Have a tough time with feedback
No matter how constructive
The feedback may be
Or how nicely it’s delivered
But instead of ranting or shouting
In disapproval
The covert type is more likely
To try and cover up how they feel
Although their body language
Will usually give them away
The covert narcissist is also
Likely to minimize your wants
Labeling them as “unimportant”
Or “boring” as a way to avoid
Taking any responsibility
Or having to change their behavior
They are also very good
At over-simplifying the needs of others
Typically have a tough time with details
Facts, and even logic — although they consider themselves to be quite logical —
Simply because they don’t want
To invest energy into things that
Don’t fit their agenda
As a side note:
It’s important to keep in mind
That this applies to relationships
Where there is a spoken or unspoken
Agreement that two people are going
To make each other a priority
Someone that doesn’t want to spend
Time with you or cater to your needs
Isn’t automatically a narcissist
Similarly, if we are interested in someone
And they don’t feel the same about us
This does not make them a narcissist
So it’s important to look at this information
In the context of the “agreement” you
And this person have in place
Sign #4 They Feel Misunderstood
This one doesn’t require
A whole lot of explanation
Basically this signifies a sense
Of importance, or of being “different”
Or “ahead of their time”
So much so
That the majority of people
Cannot relate to them
But in truth, this is just another
Cover-up for the fact that people
With these personality traits
Have a truly difficult time
Making genuine connections
With others
Especailly connections
And relationships that require
Intimacy
Because intimacy requires
Vulnerability
And this is highly threatening
To the fragile sense of Self
That the narcissist has
Sign #5 Passive-Agressiveness
This might be one of the hardest
Parts of being in a relationship
With this kind of person
Passive aggressive behavior
Is characterized by being resistant
To the requests of others
But doing so in a passive way
So, for example
Instead of directly saying
That they don’t want to do something
This kind of person might agree
But then back out or change their mind
If this happens once in a while
It obviously isn’t a major issue
And if the person can take responsibility
For their actions, they probably aren’t
A covert narcissist
But if someone does this repeatedly
And then shrugs it off as “no big deal”
That is definitely a sign to be aware of
And lastly, covert narcissists
Have a super tough time with
Direct dialogue or confrontation
Making resolution of disagreements
Next to impossible
Next week I will go into
Steps you can take if you find yourself
With this kind of person
But the first step in any process of change
Is to identify the problem
And make a conscious decision
That you are willing to do the inner work
That it will take in order to change it
Joy in your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
The way a man
Treats a perfect stranger
Should matter to you
And it should matter a lot
I know a lot of women
Don’t wanna believe it
I know a lot of women
Are enamored with bad boys
— this applies to men being
enamored with bad(ass) women
as well, but we’re gonna focus
on the men in this post —
The reason for this
Is that “bad” people
Appear confident on the surface
And confidence is very attractive
But if that so-called confidence
Spills into a condescending tone
With that Lyft driver
Or turns into
Casually rude behavior
With hotel staff
Or frequent complaints
About his ‘negative’ experiences
In the world at large
I would HIGHLY recommend
You sit up — and stay sitting up —
And take notice
Because the way a man
Treats other people
Is the way he will
Eventually
Treat you
Yes it will be just as bad
If not worse
Why worse?
Because you will be
Emotionally entangled
With him
And him
With you
So if he can treat a perfect stranger
So disrespectfully — someone who presumably
hasn’t done anything wrong to him, except
maybe fail to provide him with the level
of customer service which he not
only appreciates, but actually
feels entitled to —
Then what do you think he might be like
With someone he perceives
Has actually wronged him?!
If he is so easily thrown off
His emotional center
Simply because his meal
Wasn’t served hot enough
How forgiving and compassionate
Do you think he will be
With you
When you inevitably
Do something
That upsets him
And I’m not referring to
Any major betrayal
It could be something as simple
As not picking up the dry cleaning
That’s how “bad” men
And women
Are
So what can you do?
Have the willingness
To pay very close attention
To how you feel in this person‘s presence
Especially when he’s interacting
With other people
If it makes you uncomfortable
There’s a reason
And there’s truly no need
To set yourself up
For unnecessary pain
No level of physical attraction
Is going to make up
For this kind of issue
In your relationship
There are plenty
Of confident men and women
In the world
Who you will be
Just as attracted to
And if you only find yourself
Attracted to these kind of people
That’s a separate issue
Bu one worth looking at
I’m speaking as someone
Who’s lived it
It doesn’t matter
How nicely that person
Is treating you right now
It doesn’t matter
How far into the relationship
You are
t doesn’t matter
If they have managed
To make you believe
That you are different
It doesn’t matter
What your mind
Is currently telling you
You have to take
A person’s total behavior
Into consideration
And lastly
If you have tricked yourself
Into believing that this person
Simply has high standards
— because after all, there’s no reason
to accept bad service, or eat a meal
that isn’t up to par, right? — just consider this:
Not only is it possible
To have high standards
Without treating people badly
But people with TRULY high standards
Also have standards for themselves
And for their own behavior as well
Not just the behavior of others
If someone is willing
To be rude or disrespectful to anyone
There is no reason under the sun
To believe that behavior won’t one day turn on you
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
So you messed up
In your relationship
And now
You have to undertake
The daunting task
Of making it right
There are exceptions
To what I'm about to say —
such as in the case
of minor infractions —
But if you messed up big time
You’ve probably already figured out
That simply saying you're sorry
Isn't going to work
If you find that a simple
“I’m sorry”
Does the trick
Then by all means
Say you’re sorry
And move on
The problem
I wanna address today
Is what to do
When a simple
I'm sorry
Doesn’t cut it
Maybe because
The betrayal
Was too big
Or maybe because
You’ve messed up
Too many times
In the past
In either case
Repair IS possible
But first
You have to accept
A few key things
OLD WAYS WON’T WORK
If you've really messed up
In a major way — or even
in a minor way but
have done so repeatedly —
Then it should be
Quite understandable
That your parter
Probably isn’t
In a very forgiving mood
SIDE NOTE:
I’ll be using
Specific gender pronouns
For the rest of this post
But please know
That these issues exist
In ALL relationship dynamics
So this is where I see
Most men — again this applies
to women as well —
Get in trouble
How sorry am I, really?
This last point
Can’t be overstated
Here's why:
When you screw up
In a relationship
Your apology
Must be sincere
And it must be
Because of what you DID
Not just because
Your partner is mad
At you
And it must be
Totally and completely unwavering
What does this mean?
It means that if you say
“I’m sorry”
But your partner
Doesn’t’ forgive you
Within the first 30 seconds
Of your apology
And you then get irritated
Or annoyed
Consider this
A HUGE sign
To proceed
WIth caution
Not only
Will your partner
Most likely become
Even more irritated
With your impatience
Meanwhile
Your irritation
And impatience
Is just digging you
Into an even deeper hole
Which will take
Even more work
To get out of
Your apology cannot
Be half-hearted
And it cannot be faked
Not even a little bit
Because if it is — if on ANY level
you are not truly sorry —
I promise you
She will know
She’ll pick up on it
And she simply
Won't believe you
There’s no “hack”
To this process
ANOTHER SIDE NOTE:
Your irritation is also a sign
Of where you still have work to do
No need to beat yourself up
But DO notice
Do become a good observer
Of your own emotions
And learn to be honest
With yourself
Back to what I was saying
If you’re not truly sorry
Not only will she
Not believe you
But she will feel betrayed
By your inability to be honest
With yourself
And perhaps even more betrayed
By your inability — or refusal —
To give her what you know
She really desires
WHAT S/HE REALLY NEEDS FROM YOU:
An authentic expression
Of the fact that you
Actually feel bad
For whatever it is you did
Or in some cases
What you didn’t do
But either way
An authentic expression
Is needed
A clear demonstration
That you are not desperate
To rush through the apology
Or to rush through
This phase
Of your relationship
For that matter
A phase which will probably
Require time
And patience
To properly heal from
In short, she wants to know
That you “get it”
So before
You even consider
Approaching her
Ask yourself:
Are you truly sorry?
Are you willing
To go through
The process
Of her grief
With her?
Are you willing
To accept her need
So no
It's not about "blame"
But when you try
To get away
With things
You know full well
Are not acceptable
To your partner
You both have some
Soul Searching to do
My hope — for those
of you who truly are sorry
and just don’t know where to begin —
Is that this will help shed some light
If your partner is hurting
They need your patience
They need you
To help (re)create
An atmosphere of safety
Not to tell them
How they need to hurry up
And forgive you
Just because you said
The words
“I’m sorry”
They need to know
Why you feel
That things went down
The way they did
And what you will do
To make sure
Those circumstances
Never arise again
Pain cannot be rushed
And that’s why
Your apology can’t either
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
Hey guys
If you’ve been reading the blog
Over the last couple of weeks
You know that this is Part 3
Of my three part series on Narcissism
(In case you missed it you can find part 1 and part 2 on my website)
Today I wanna share
Just one specific exercise
That can help you
Immensely
On your healing journey
So long as you actually
Sit down and do it
I can’t emphasize this enough
This is NOT an intellectual process
Reading this post won’t do anything for you
Unless you actually do the exercise
Ok?!
Great :)
The purpose of this exercise
Is to get you back in touch
With your feelings
Because when you’ve suffered
From any sort of abuse
Connection to Self
Has often totally been abandoned
This will require you to be
Persistent
Strong
Willing
Courageous
You CAN do this
You ARE capable
And you are absolutely
Worthy
And
Enough
Don’t put this off
Not until tomorrow
Or after dinner
Or after you check your email
One more time
Go grab a pen and paper
Seriously
Stop reading
And go get a pen and paper
You’ll thank me later
Because this is how we heal
One
Step
At a time
By actually doing the thing
By taking the action
We know we need to take
I know it feels hard
But staying where you are
Is harder
Deep down
You already know that
Alright
Glad I’ve convinced you
Step 1 - The Memory:
Reflect back on an interaction
Any interaction
You had with this person
That made you feel bad
Don’t overthink it
Just pick one
You can do this
For multiple interactions
If you like
But we need to start with one
One SPECIFIC memory or interaction
To work with right now
Step 2 - The Facts:
Write down the exact nature
Of the interaction
As in
What actually happened
Keep this part
As objective
As possible
For example:
I walked into the house
My partner asked me how my day was
And then walked out of the room
Right as I started to answer him
Or maybe he picked up his phone
Or started talking over you
Whatever it was
Write it down
Then continue to write out
Exactly what happened
So just to continue
With the same example
Maybe you would go on
To write the following
He didn’t say “hold on”
He didn’t offer an explanation
He just walked outta the room
It was almost as if
He hadn’t literally JUST asked
How my day was
And when he walked back in
And I asked him what just happened
He asked
If I was in “one of my moods” again
Or maybe he just rolled his eyes
Yes - this is a form of (covert) abuse
It’s meant to dismiss you
To dismiss your reality
To make you feel
And often actually act
Crazy
Again
The above is just an example
To help illustrate what I mean
Step 3 - My Feelings:
Once you’ve written out
Exactly what happened
You can move onto the next step
Which is to write out
How it made you feel
This is a step that so many people
I’ve worked with over the years
Have a hard time with
Most people will go into a story
About what they THINK
Instead of how this interaction
Actually made them FEEL
I want you to know
That this is totally normal
But I also want you to understand
That this is part of your programming
Which is to say
Being in an abusive relationship
Has trained you
To mistrust your own feelings
If this has been going on long enough
Say for a number of years
Or maybe even decades
You will feel sufficiently disconnected
From the Truth of your own reality
To the point that this exercise
Might be super challenging for you
The most important thing here
Is that you do not fall back
Into old patterns
Or into a spiral of shame
Do not use the fact
That this is challenging
As an excuse to throw your hands up
And say “it’s too hard”
NO!
It’s uncomfortable
Yes
But it’s not “too” hard
You are bigger than this
You can do this
Giving up on yourself
Is exactly what this person
Who has you under their control
Wants you to do
So if coming up with feelings
Is tough for you
My suggestion would be
Simply google “feeling words”
And start working off that list
Print it out if you can
Or take a screenshot
So you can always
Come back to it
There’s absolutely nothing wrong
With using all available resources
When you want to succeed
At anything in Life
Healing from abuse is no different
As you work on Step 3
Notice any feelings that come up
Feelings that try and sabotage
Your efforts to heal
Or thoughts that come up
Such as “this will never work”
And so forth
Again
Just see them for what they are
Part of a program that’s been running
Probably for a very long time
And our job here
Is to write over that program
These steps may seem simple
But I promise you
If you actually do them
Not in your mind
But by taking actual
PEN
TO
PAPER
You will start to feel relief
Lastly
I want to know
If you’d be interested
In a more in-depth course
On exactly what I did
All the steps I took
To overcome Narcissistic Abuse
In my own life
If so
send me an email
And let me know
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
Welcome back to our series on Narcissism
If you missed last week’s post
You can find it here
Before you go on
I was specifically guided to ask
That you read this post with an open heart
And to see this as a sign post
Spirit says
You have been asking
For a way out of pain
God/Source/the universe always hears our requests
But whether we listen
Will always be up to us
That is the nature of this human experience
And the nature of our free will
If your heart is open
This can be the beginning
Of a new life for you
It all begins with you
With the decision
With the clarity
That you don’t want to suffer anymore
Keep in mind
That you don’t have to have all the answers
You don’t have to know “how” it will all work
The truth is you can’t
And the good news is you don’t need to
All you need to know
Is that the way things are right now
Is no longer working for you
And that you are ready
To change direction
Leaving any relationship
Is uncomfortable
Often even scary
But leaving an abusive relationship
Is like a nightmare collapsed on to itself
Casting out all but a glimmer of light
If you’re still reading this
TRUST
That there is a reason
Let THIS be that glimmer
It’s all you need
To begin changing your life
7 Keys To Healing From Narcissistic Abuse:
1. DENIAL
Understand that your denial
Is a guaranteed path
To your continued suffering
The trickiest aspect
Of dealing with any sort of abuse
Is the temptation to fall back asleep
By which I mean
The temptation to fall back into denial
So this first step
Is more an exercise in consciousness
It’s something you may have to bring yourself back to
Time and time again
And that’s ok
Just know that the moment
You start to have thoughts like
“Oh maybe it’s not that bad”
“Maybe he really gets it this time”
“This is the worst it will ever be”
“She promised she’d never do it again”
These thoughts
Are signs
That you have fallen back asleep
Back into the program
So you have to be willing
To see this for what it is
A well-practiced defense mechanism
Which will keep you in hell
Forever
If you let it
Become aware
Your denial cannot survive
The light of your awareness
2. JOURNAL
If it’s an option
I’d recommend you find a good therapist
So you can begin to have someone
Serve as a witness to your experience
If for whatever reason
You can’t do that at this point in time
You can start to keep a journal
In fact
I would recommend doing this either way
Any good therapist would do the same
Keep your journal somewhere safe
If that’s not an option
Write in shorthand
Or keep notes on your phone
Assuming this person doesn’t have access to it
You may need to get creative
But however you do it
You need to start writing things down
Specifically
You need to write down
Your interactions with this person
And how they made you feel
How they made YOU feel
Not how they told you to feel
Not what they said
Not what you said
But how the interaction
Actually made you FEEL
This might be tough at first
Because you’ve been trained
Away from your feelings
You’ve been programmed
That your feelings are a lie
They’re not
Write them down
3. BLOCK
This should really go without saying
But you have to block, delete, remove
All trace of this person
For the time being
As far as you’re concerned
This person does not exist
There will obviously be exceptions to this
Such as when you have children with this person
Or if you are financially dependent on this person
But to those of you who aren’t in either situation
You need to block off all contact
I know that the thought alone
May send you spiraling
But when you’re ready - aka once you have suffered enough
You will do it
Because you will understand
That your survival depends on it
This will only sound crazy
To someone who doesn’t get it
Because they've never been there
Which brings me to my next point
4. COMPANY
Be ruthless about the company you keep
Always - but especially while healing
Stay away from anyone
Who seems to minimize your situation
Or your pain
Most people won’t get it
This doesn’t make them bad people
But it DOES make them bad for you to be around
While you’re in this vulnerable place
Yes that means it might get lonely
It might mean many conversations
With God
With your journal
With your Soul
But I promise you
There is light on the other side of this
5. DARKNESS
Speaking of light
There is absolutely no way
You’re gonna get through this
Without pain
It hurts to let go of our illusions
And that’s what a lot of your pain will be about
Letting go of who you thought this person was
Letting go of the life or relationship
You wish you could have with this person
Letting go of the dreams
Whether real or imagined
That you had
This process of letting go - it hurts
Don’t let anyone tell you it doesn’t
Or that it isn’t supposed to
It’s not their experience
And it’s not their pain
And you don’t need anyone else
To validate your experience
Or your pain
6. DATING
Don’t do it
Seriously
Unless you wanna turn
A world of pain
Into galaxies of pain
Don’t date
Don’t even think about dating
And for that matter
To whatever degree possible
Only hang out with people
That you have no sexual history with
Or sexual attraction to
This might also be a huge wake-up call
For some of you
Because often
When we’re in abusive relationships
We’ve long abandoned our loved ones
Or else they’ve cut off contact with us
Because it was too painful to watch us
Destroy ourselves
But that’s a whole other topic
Again
If you don’t have anyone in your life
That you can honestly say you trust
And that has your back
It may be an invitation
To truly confront yourself
On a level you never have before
I know it can feel scary
And overwhelming
But trust that this is all happening
Because there is another life
Available and waiting for you
It’s just going to require some willingness
Some major willingness
On your part
In order to find your way there
7. PATTERNS
On the absolute deepest level
This process isn’t about understanding the process
It’s not even really about understanding
The other person - the so-called narcissist
Not because they don’t exist
And not because their abuse isn’t real
IT IS
But because on the deepest level
Abuse is a pattern
It’s a sign post
Telling us where
It still hurts
Telling us where
Our boundaries are still porous
Telling us where our wounds
Are still in desperate need
Of the love we so freely
Give away to others
But can’t stand to give ourselves
And the most important aspect
Of this process
Is Forgiveness
Both forgiveness of those who have hurt us
When we were
Too young
Too defenseless
Too vulnerable
To protect ourself
And forgiveness of ourselves
For continuing
To let people hurt us
Because we didn’t know
We were still trying to heal
From those who had hurt us before
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
Disclaimer - if the title of this post doesn’t annoy you
Then feel free to skip to the below
To anyone who sort of rolls their eyes when they hear the word “narcissist”
I get it - I used to be one of those people too
And to be fair
People DO misuse the word
And throw it around casually
When of course there’s nothing casual about dealing with a narcissistic person
Narcissism isn’t just a matter of having an inflated sense of self
It goes far deeper than that
And even though I may dislike the word as much as the next person
We use terms like this
And language in general
To make it easier to communicate what we mean
Without having to use a lot of description and examples each and every single time
We human beings rely on language enormously to live our day-to-day lives
If you don’t think so
Try taking a vow of silence sometime
It will completely change you
So yes, people misuse the word
Yes, most people don’t have a very deep understanding about the pathology of narcissism
And yes, the modern spiritual community seems especially repelled by the concept
And I believe the main reason for this
Is the fact that calling someone a narcissist
Sounds like casting blame
Versus taking full responsibility for allowing this person in your life
And them letting them stay
And they’re not totally wrong
But until you understand what I’m sharing with you today
The rest of the conversation - about personal accountability and healing - won’t matter
End of Disclaimer
What I really want you to understand today
(stay tuned for the personal responsibility and what-you-can-actually-do-about-it piece coming next week)
Is this
You need to understand
That when it comes to living your absolute best life
A relationship with a narcissistic person
Or someone with strong traits in that direction
Will make that reality impossible
It doesn’t matter if that person is your partner, mother, father, boss, or child
And it doesn’t matter if they ever get a formal diagnosis or not
Especially given that most people who fall into this category rarely seek treatment
(If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissistic person, you know that better than anyone)
So first things first
Here are a few characteristics of true narcissists
And for the purposes of (re)evaluating your own life
Which is my desire for you
These are the characteristics that really matter:
• All narcissists abuse - whether mentally, emotionally, physically, sexually, verbally, or economically
• They never take responsibility - not verbally, and certainly not by changing their actual behavior
• Related to the the last point, they always find a way to blame others for anything that goes wrong - and with these types of individuals, you’ll find that things are often going ‘wrong’ because others aren’t doing what they “should be”
• Their reaction to situations is often disproportionate to what the event or "trigger" was that set them off
• The entire life, identity, and reality of this kind of person is filtered through an over-inflated sense of self which goes far beyond our everyday notion of ego, and is actually quite difficult for most ‘normal’ people to comprehend
And
Just as importantly
These are some of the ways you will feel
When in the presence of a true narcissist:
• Uneasy - not necessarily because something ‘happened’ but just because that’s how you’ll find yourself feeling when around this person
• You will question yourself pretty much all the time - and depending on how much time you spend with this person, you can start finding it more and more difficult to make even small decisions
• You will begin to question your interpretation of events - and eventually, your interpretation of reality as a whole
• If you dare to question anything about their version of reality, they will become enraged
• When they don’t get their way, one way or another - whether now or years from now (the true narcissist is extremely patient) - they will make you pay
• And ultimately, you will feel an overwhelming sense that you don't really exist
And the truth is
You don't
Not to them
But here’s the real
And not-so-pleasant truth:
Like any other relationship you will ever have with another human being
A person will only treat you as good or bad as you let them
Think of this as sort of a corollary to the idea that you will always get in life what you tolerate
So the place to start is to ask yourself what are you tolerating
What are YOU are tolerating
Not what is the other person doing
But what have you allowed to take place
In this particular relationship
With this particular person
And perhaps with others before them
The biggest obstacle people have
When they start doing this work
Is the refusal to see things
As they are
And NOT worse than they are
And especially to see yourself
As someone who deserves
Your own forgiveness and compassion
To see YOURSELF as you are
As someone who is on their own Soul’s journey
And as hard as it may be to believe
From where you’re standing right now
There is a way out of these dynamics and relationships
Which will be the topic of next week’s post
Joy is your natural state
It’s time for you to remember
To our collective growth
Tara
If you have questions please reply by email.
Thanks so much for signing up for my newsletter!
I’m so excited you’ve decided to come on this journey with me
This week I wanna talk to you about something so fundamental
That without it
Reaching all your other goals is always gonna seem like an uphill battle
It’s about the importance of environment
And why your environment is the single biggest predictor of your outcomes
I’m sure you’ve heard the expression
“You’re the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with”
And if you really stop and look around
You’ll see how much truth there is to that statement
This is easy for most of us to grasp if we’re dealing with a truly unhealthy situation
Something that’s obviously toxic
Or even downright abusive
And it goes without saying that if you’re dealing with any of that
Whether it’s a romantic relationship
A family member - especially someone you live with
Or a friend that you have any sort of regular contact with
It’s going to affect the overall direction of your life
But what’s less obvious
Is when you’re dealing with people who may not be “toxic” in an obvious way
But you know deep down they’re still not good for you
This is especially going to be true for you if: You’ve done a fair amount of (personal development) work on yourselfYou’re sensitive to your environment (this is a good thing btw so don’t ever let anyone, including yourself, make you believe otherwise)You have really big dreams
You’ve done a fair amount of inner work:
If you’ve been on the healing path for a while, you’ve learned things about yourself that the people around you probably haven’t (aka - you’ve become more insightful about yourself and the people around you probably don’t have the same level of insight about themselves)
This isn’t about being better than anyone
It’s simply about accepting the fact that you will thrive more if you surround yourself with people who are on a similar path
You’re sensitive (aka you’re a ‘sensing’ person)
You’re attuned to your environment
You pick up on things - body language, people’s tone of voice, subtle changes in your surroundings - that others may not
This means your energy might be more easily affected than the people around you
Especially if you’re going through a tough time and less to ‘give’ to others strictly in terms of your energy
This will be even more true if you’re someone who aims to please others (I’ll say more on people-pleasing in a future post)
Being a deeply feeling person can sometimes make relating to the “normal” world feel like a challenge
You have big huge dreams
And finally, there’s the matter of purpose
Your dreams
Your vision
Your calling
Whether you know what that is yet or not
It doesn’t matter
You know that you have one
And you know that it’s big
If any of that describes you, there’s one thing I can tell you for certain:
Hanging out with people who don’t encourage - or even worse, who minimize - your dreams is gonna slow you WAY down
And the funny thing is, it won’t just slow you down is the area of your dreams
It’ll slow you down in all areas of your life
Because in this reality of ours, everything is connected
And unhappiness in one area of life (whether that’s your job, your relationship, your body or your money situation) will always spill into unhappiness in every other area too
So back to the importance of environment
Nothing will shift your life faster than letting go of people and situations that no longer serve you
Is this easy?
No
Is it necessary?
Yes
Of course, you can try and play it safe and do the whole
“Let me try and find new people to hang out with before I let go of the circle I’m in now”
But again, it’s slower going
And it also lends itself to the question
“What am I so afraid of?”
Well the answer to that will be found in next week’s newsletter
But I’ll give you a hint
It has to do with fear, ancestral programming, and the unknown
Until then, I love you
And remember, joy is your natural state
It’s time to remember
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
If you have questions please reply by email.
It’s not so much your anger, but your denial about it - that’s really what’s strangling your relationship. I’m addressing women in this post but the same can be true with all genders of course.
Believe it or not, it’s never lost on a man when you’re angry, whether you actually admit to being angry or not.
And I say this with a heart full of love - your man can see through your fake smile; he can see past your niceties.
He can feel your impatience; he can hear your (silent) criticism.
It's in the tone of your voice; it's in the energy of your walk.
He sees right through the helpful “suggestions" – whether for what to wear or directions on how to get somewhere, when he didn’t ask!
And the only thing more upsetting to a man than seeing his woman unhappy, is when she doesn't respect the relationship enough to - without blaming him - actually let him know how she feels.
So what to do? Well if you've been disconnected from your anger for a long time (i.e. saying you're *not* angry, even when you feel a massive distance in your relationship), the first step is to simply stop doing THAT.
It's to stop pretending. It’s to stop saying "nothing" when he asks you what's wrong.
It's learning to STOP SAYING "I'm fine" when it's very clear that you're not fine. It's learning to start telling the truth - especially to yourself.
What if you don't know the truth?
It's OK to say "I'm not sure." It's OK to say "this doesn't feel good." It's OK to say "I'm confused and need some time to sort it out." It's OK to start by simply not denying your emotions.
Not only will it begin to bridge the distance in your relationship, it will begin to make YOU feel more whole - which will do more for your relationship than all the strategies and self-help books in the world combined.
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
It will only satisfy you temporarily, right before it leaves you feeling worse than you did before. You already know this.
Absolutely no relationship will ever give you the satisfaction you’re craving if you’re not already relatively satisfied with yourself.
This is why most relationships don’t work. It’s not just the relationships that have to heal, but the people who get into them.
You were meant for so much more.
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
Are you playing at the highest level possible?
What version of yourself do you need to become in order to have everything you want?
What version of yourself has the business of your dreams?
The body and health of your dreams?
The relationship of your dreams? .
Who do you need to become to call these things in?
What does that version of you talk like, walk like, dress like?
How early does she wake up in the morning and what does she structure her days like?
What kind of foods does she eat?
How does she interact with people? How does she make people feel?
.
.
How does she speak to her partner? How does she FEEL about her partner? Remember that everything on the outside is a reflection of the inside.
There is no separation. .
.
.
In order to have what you want, you have to become the version of yourself that already has them.
If you were already that version now, you would already have everything you want. .
.
That’s the golden rule in life.
We get what we are a vibrational match for.
If we don’t have it, it’s because we’re not a vibrational match yet.
And that’s not always a bad thing. .
.
Especially when it comes to relationships.
If you’re not ready for the relationship of your dreams, it’s better that it not show up until you are ready.
The universe works in magical ways.
Be willing to ask.
Be willing to pray.
And have the humility and discipline to listen when the answers come through. .
.
Because often they will be subtle.
At least initially.
Don’t always look for something to hit you across the head.
Pay attention. Ask. Clarify. Create.
And above all else, you have to believe and trust that everything you want is available to you. .
.
To our collective growth,
Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
They can’t. They can only bring the pain that is already there to the surface, which in turn no doubt causes its own pain, but it’s not the original source.
Myth #2. Relationships can make you happy. They can’t. They can only amplify the happiness that is already within you, which in turn also causes a new level of happiness between both of you. But if either person is lacking this basic level of peace and contentment on their own, this is super unlikely to happen.
What are your thoughts?!
❤️ Tara x
If you have questions please reply by email.
A membership site where you will get monthly live zoom trainings as well as weekly insights + journaling prompts directly from Tara in the private Telegram chat.
I will give you the most potent pieces of information I have learned and used to heal myself from the long-standing effects of trauma, abuse, and the chronic sense of low self-worth that can result from these experiences
This membership site is especially for those who are highly motivated to do the inner work, to take action on homework assignments, and are fully committed to overcoming the stuck emotions that have been holding them back from stepping into their full potential in Life
Once you’ve signed up, we’ll be in touch to give you further instructions on how to access the group + trainings
I can’t wait to dive deep with all of you!
Tara x
A membership site where you will get bi-weekly trainings on overcoming trauma and narcissistic abuseI will give you the most potent pieces of information I have learned and used to heal myself from the long-standing effects of trauma, abuse, and the chronic sense of low self-worth that can result from these experiencesThis membership site is especially for those who are highly motivated to do the inner work, to take action on homework assignments, and are fully committed to overcoming the stuck emotions that have been holding them back from stepping into their full potential in LifeOnce you’ve signed up, we’ll be in touch to give you further instructions on how to access the group + trainings I can’t wait to dive deep with all of you!
Tara x
A membership site where you will get bi-weekly trainings on overcoming trauma and narcissistic abuse
I will give you the most potent pieces of information I have learned and used to heal myself from the long-standing effects of trauma, abuse, and the chronic sense of low self-worth that can result from these experiences
This membership site is especially for those who are highly motivated to do the inner work, to take action on homework assignments, and are fully committed to overcoming the stuck emotions that have been holding them back from stepping into their full potential in Life
Once you’ve signed up, we’ll be in touch to give you further instructions on how to access the group + trainings
I can’t wait to dive deep with all of you!
Tara x
If you are interested or have questions about this 5 figure investment please contact my team. Limited space available.
A membership site where you will get monthly live zoom trainings as well as weekly insights + journaling prompts directly from Tara in the private Telegram chat.
I will give you the most potent pieces of information I have learned and used to heal myself from the long-standing effects of trauma, abuse, and the chronic sense of low self-worth that can result from these experiences
This membership site is especially for those who are highly motivated to do the inner work, to take action on homework assignments, and are fully committed to overcoming the stuck emotions that have been holding them back from stepping into their full potential in Life
Once you’ve signed up, we’ll be in touch to give you further instructions on how to access the group + trainings
I can’t wait to dive deep with all of you!
Tara x