Relationships Create Nothing, They Reflect Everything



Introduction to relationships: What we will be talking about regarding relationships. Some overarching points -

How we attract people who treat us a certain way. Connection. Emotional body. Co-dependency. Healthy boundaries. intimacy through emotional vulnerability

Tara Daylami

Plagued by the kind of sensitivity (and awareness!) you almost wouldn't wish upon your worst enemy, I spent most of my childhood in a state of hyper-vigilance and inability to handle to slightest of criticisms. By my teenage years, this sensitivity had successfully matured to a full-blown rage which nothing -- and I mean NOTHING -- could console until, at 16, I was FINALLY introduced to illicit drugs (the likes of cocaine and ecstasy -- and, if you like, house music) which finally began to ameliorate what by this point could only be described as ACUTE PSYCHIC PAIN. But the story doesn't end there. I continued on. With hallucinogenics. With relationships. With theft. With alcohol. With lies and deceit and betrayal and infidelity for another 10 years. In the meantime, I graduated college (on time) and worked full time. I even met and got engaged to an amazing guy. But absolutely nothing could touch the emptiness I felt inside. And so I did what most people who can hardly stand to be in their own skin do: I sabotaged. I destroyed anything and everything that "threatened" to come close. That threatened to love me. Nothing terrified me more than being "found out" for who I really believed I was inside. Empty. Hollow. While, simultaneously, nothing terrified be more that the thought that no one ever would find out.

Oh and throughout all this, I might mention, I also returned to school to pursue none other that a career as a psychotherapist. It was as illogical then as it probably sounds to you now. But I can tell you this. That decision was made (with the help of my then fiancé) in 2003, and as I (metaphorically) sit before you today, I can hardly recognize that girl. Sure, our Soul may be eternal and never-changing, but for all practical purposes, who I was and the way I showed up in the world in virtually no way resembles the person I am today. I spent my 20s effectively destroying almost everything that crossed my path. And I spent most of my 30's trying to scrape off the last residue of guilt that the previous decade left on my soul. I would be lying to you if I said it hasn't been painful. Because it has. BUT! The thing about it is that everything is different now. All the work I have done over the last several decades. Because -- despite being a spinning ball of chaos for the first 35 years of my life -- I have ALWAYS KNOWN deep down inside that I was destined for more. A LOT MORE. And the thought of that terrified me as well.